Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
