Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
