I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
