Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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