soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
