I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
