Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
