You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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