i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
