dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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