No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
