They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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