the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
