if i can run in heels then i can drive
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize