I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
