Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
