I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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