Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
