probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
