I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
