we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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