Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
