she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
