I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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