I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
