i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
