Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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