Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My liver is preforming stress tests.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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