I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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