I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
