Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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