I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
