theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
