Betty ford says i'm here all night
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
