guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
