My Higher Power is John Stamos
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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