i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
