The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
