Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
