Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
