I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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