you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
