I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
