I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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