I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
