Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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