my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
