I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
