Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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