Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
