So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
