I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Sorry my hands just texted you
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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