hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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