At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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