happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
