I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Two words: blizzard sex
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
