I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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