Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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