Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
This baby is an asshole
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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