I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
