Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
