I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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