I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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